| Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 |
| 2:53 am |
I'm surrounded by people who love me and we have fun together. It's always a good time. But by the end of the day, I'm always alone. I don't get it. How does this work? I need to go buy a toothbrush. How do you lose a toothbrush in a 1200 sqft apartment? |
| Monday, October 12th, 2009 |
| 6:12 am |
I haven't been to sleep yet, but I have an 8am. I don't plan on going to sleep until 10pm. I've been awake since 6pm. I've been up all night crying and not doing homework. Like clockwork, there goes my sanity. Oh the seasons. Hopefully I'll be in a particularly bad mood by the end of the day. |
| Thursday, October 8th, 2009 |
| 8:03 pm |
Couples are so awkward. Their relationships never seem genuine. Holding hands looks dumb and takes up too much space in a small hallway. Especially when you're standing arm's length apart. PDA is just weird for everyone around you. Didn't you know that there's a time and a place and that they're neither now nor here? Why am I so emotionally distant... |
| Sunday, September 20th, 2009 |
| 4:22 pm |
I'm 21 today. I feel almost exactly the same. Only difference is how much of a failure I'm realizing that I'm turning out to be. Fuck. |
| Monday, September 14th, 2009 |
| 2:27 am |
My mood is something interesting right now. I'm not particularly happy or sad; it's just something in between. I'm getting my work done and I'm managing to get out of bed without needing 3 cigarettes and a good hour long cry, but I just feel uncomfortable. I saw a picture online today that used 256 color mode. I almost cried when I saw it. It wasn't of anything in particular; it was just a crappy old picture. I also found a song called Omna Magni. It makes me want to cry too. I feel like I've heard it somewhere before. I don't know why I'm so stuck on the past right now. I'm usually not this bad. All I can think about is being in elementary school, being a god damn moron and completely bat shit insane, obsessing over concepts that were clearly illogical, all while trying to find ways to cover up everything I was doing. I knew I was strange. Nothing was my everything. I was obsessed. And I was happy. I wanted so much more and I believed that I could have it. Now, I want so much more, but I know that I'm setting unrealistic goals for myself. Literally. The things I want are physically unattainable. I feel like everything has changed for the worse. This is not how I imagined the future. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out. Someone was supposed to come take me away. I'll go with anyone. I'll go anywhere. I'll do anything. Anything but this. How low my expectations have become... It's depressing. I want that fucking music box. Why did Grandma give it to Courtney? I wish I knew my family better. |
| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 |
| 2:44 am |
I might be too critical of myself. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I feel so embarrassed. In Chemistry, we had a small quiz on lab procedures. The professor mumbles and I couldn't hear what he said about the chemical labels. I already made a mistake and I kind of feel like never going back to the class ever again. Such a stupid mistake. Fucking idiot. Speak up when you miss something. Biology seems to be going well so far. Despite having been awake for 22 hours and now knowing that school will consume 14 hours of my Mondays until the end of the year, I feel incredible. I love it when I'm manic. EXTREME ANXIETY AND UNREALISTIC IDEOLOGIES, HERE I COME! I have to be up in a few hours and I don't want to go to sleep. I've finished my Bio and I guess I'll start on Chem now. I'm feeling even more restless than usual. Feels good, man. |
| Friday, August 28th, 2009 |
| 5:33 am |
I had another one of my blackout days. I'm seriously considering the possibility of multiple personality disorder, although nobody seems to notice anything different about me whenever I black out. I'm missing 90% of today/yesterday/Thursday. I remember waking up and going to Chuck and Ryan's house... Then, we had dinner... Then, nothing. I recall a brief period of being in a car with some people I didn't know, followed by more nothing. I've been aware of myself for the last hour and a half. I came back in while playing video games at 4am. What the fuck is wrong with me... I feel like apologizing to everyone I've ever met for whatever it was that I did today and just crying until I fall asleep. This can't go on. |
| Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 |
| 3:09 pm |
I was charmed. Not blown away, but simply charmed. I'd give it another go. I feel good about myself. If only I could feel better. |
| Sunday, August 9th, 2009 |
| 11:50 pm |
I have encountered a fork in the road. I have also decided that it's easier to write about it than actually take the first step forward. So far, my life has been a compilation of upsetting and absurd experiences. It's something that's been plaguing my mind for quite some time now. Quite some time, as in almost a decade. I'm tired of living in the dark; living in panic; living in fear. I can't take anymore of this and recent events have lead me to seriously consider moving forward, despite the potential of losing everything near and dear to me. I need advice, but I can't be serious about anything. I'm too terrified. I feel like I'm going to throw up. This is going to be a long night. I want to hit something; I want to scream; I want to go somewhere far, far away. I want to run away... to run away... run away... sounds so nice. I wouldn't have to deal with life or anything. I could live freely and not think. I know that I'm not alone in this and that others out there have been in similar situations. However, the biggest problem is that our early life experiences taught us how to hide ourselves from everybody else and blend into a society of sheep. I will never find another person like myself, nor will they ever find me. According to my dad, people like myself are lost souls. He says this with a tone of disdain instead of pity. It's hard to deal with him sometimes. I feel so angry all the time. I feel so rejected all the time. It's no wonder I'm such a piece of shit. I usually feel better after writing nonsensical bullshit like this, but I'm still frustrated and I still feel like crying. Maybe it's because this is a serious problem, unlike most of my other ones. Maybe I didn't express myself properly. Miho Hatori is a genius. I haven't felt this way since I discovered Blonde Redhead. Someone should probably call 911. Hopefully I'll be dead before the sun comes up. |
| Friday, August 7th, 2009 |
| 4:12 am |
Maybe I'll go to Seattle instead. UW is supposed to be one of the best medical schools in the country. I'm hopeless. |
| Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 |
| 11:12 pm |
I've decided I'm going to move to California if everything works out the way it should (it never does). I thought about Texas for a while, but it seemed too conservative for me, even taking the "progressive" cities into account like Austin. Funny how half the medical schools I'm looking at are in California entirely by coincidence (I'm being serious). They're all good schools and they're cheap as hell. I am impressed. I'm not really sure what I hope to find there, but I hope I find it soon. |
| Monday, July 27th, 2009 |
| 10:16 pm |
Well, opportunity is knocking. I'm hiding in the basement with all the lights off pretending to be out so that maybe it goes away. I think it's working. If I keep it up, I just might be able to fuck myself over like I do every other time I'm handed something really good. |
| Sunday, June 28th, 2009 |
| 2:42 am |
I've come to the realization that I will never find true happiness. I will always be alone and nobody will ever appreciate me. I should just end it all. Unfortunately, my suicidal episodes never last long enough for me to get my shit together and actually go through with it. Guess I'm stuck here for a little while longer. |
| Saturday, April 18th, 2009 |
| 12:51 pm |
I hate myself so incredibly much. Why do I waste opportunities? I want to die like I've never wanted before. |
| Sunday, March 1st, 2009 |
| 10:44 am |
+++++++>[++++++++++<-]>----. <+++++>[++++++++++<-]>--. +++>[-----<-]>--. ++++++++. +++++. --------. +++>[+++++<-]. ++++>[-----<-]++. ++++++++. +++++++>[----------<-]>-----. ++++++++>[++++++++++<-]>+++. ++. ++++>[-----<-]++. ++++++++. ++++++++. ++++++++++>[----------<-]>--... Brainfuck sucks |
| Saturday, February 28th, 2009 |
| 2:48 pm |
I was going through Ricardo's iTunes library yesterday. I found Fantastic Plastic Machine. I downloaded it for myself. I have been listening to it all day. I cannot understand why, but it has been invoking the strangest emotions in me. Almost nostalgic. I want to cry, but I feel the happiest I've been in years at the same time. It is confusing me and making me feel a bit uncomfortable. I really don't know how else to describe it. Although it's a bit depressing, the good feeling outweighs the poor by a great deal and I don't ever want it to end. I've realized that I am so god damn depressed and I just want to go back to a time when I didn't feel this way. Why am I such a miserable excuse for a human being? |
| Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 |
| 1:40 pm |
Dunno
I saw this quote today and it really spoke to me. I don't know why. "Conservatives are either greedy businessmen, xenophobic nationalists or ignorant Christfags. It's a grim coalition, to be sure." Thanks, /r9k/. |
| Monday, November 10th, 2008 |
| 4:05 pm |
It's 5:05am. I don't remember anything past 6pm. It's absolutely horrifying. I can't remember a god damn thing. I feel terribly ashamed for some reason, though. Maybe I should finish my homework that somehow got part of itself done. |
| Sunday, October 5th, 2008 |
| 4:21 am |
...
I'm not happy. I'm feeling frustrated and a little angry. I don't want to sleep; I don't want to wake up tomorrow; I don't want to see the sun rise. I just kind of want to die. |
| Monday, August 11th, 2008 |
| 1:47 am |
God I'm Such a Depressing Pile of Shit
What am I doing with my life? I honestly feel like I've been making enormous mistakes left and right lately. I don't know what I've done wrong or how I can fix it, but I need to do something before my life gets any worse. I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow for mental health. I don't think my dad will mind, but my mom... Well, that's another story. I don't even know why she cares so much about my work schedule. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to go back to school either. I can already tell I'm just going to end up hating everybody and feeling miserable about myself again. I don't want to take my medications for reasons that I won't get into since I could go on for hours about that, but I'm not quite sure about what else I could be doing to help myself. "I can't help you if you can't help yourself first." Well, that's a bit of a problem. I decided today that I wanted to drop out of school and move to Antarctica. A few hours later, I realized that this was probably one of the worst genuine ideas I've ever had. I just feel like I'm missing out on something. It's sort of like everybody around me knows what's going on and they have their entire lives planned out already. I think the whole reason I'm going to Japan is so that I can try to fill this void, although the more I think about it, the more of a waste it seems. I already know that I'm not going to get anything out of it. It'll just be a semester of living my shitty life a little bit differently than usual. I just feel like sitting in my car and crying, although I'm not sure how much that will get accomplished. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. I never wanted to work in IT, I haven't even changed majors yet, but I'm already having second thoughts about becoming a doctor, and I'm wondering if I should just drop out of college altogether. Being successful would be nice, but if it means that I have to be absolutely miserable for the next 40 years of my life, I think I'll pass. I think I'd rather wander around the world living off the land and doing odd jobs for a little money. God I hate night time. It's so fucking lonely. |
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