SexyThang500

sexythang500 @ 2009-11-10T02:53:00

2009-11-10T07:55:02Z

I'm surrounded by people who love me and we have fun together. It's always a good time.

But by the end of the day, I'm always alone.

I don't get it. How does this work?

I need to go buy a toothbrush. How do you lose a toothbrush in a 1200 sqft apartment?

sexythang500 @ 2009-10-12T06:12:00

2009-10-12T10:14:24Z

I haven't been to sleep yet, but I have an 8am. I don't plan on going to sleep until 10pm. I've been awake since 6pm.

I've been up all night crying and not doing homework. Like clockwork, there goes my sanity. Oh the seasons.

Hopefully I'll be in a particularly bad mood by the end of the day.

sexythang500 @ 2009-10-08T20:03:00

2009-10-09T00:08:53Z

Couples are so awkward. Their relationships never seem genuine.

Holding hands looks dumb and takes up too much space in a small hallway. Especially when you're standing arm's length apart.

PDA is just weird for everyone around you. Didn't you know that there's a time and a place and that they're neither now nor here?

Why am I so emotionally distant...

sexythang500 @ 2009-09-20T16:22:00

2009-09-20T20:22:44Z

I'm 21 today.

I feel almost exactly the same. Only difference is how much of a failure I'm realizing that I'm turning out to be.

Fuck.

sexythang500 @ 2009-09-14T02:27:00

2009-09-14T06:44:35Z

My mood is something interesting right now. I'm not particularly happy or sad; it's just something in between. I'm getting my work done and I'm managing to get out of bed without needing 3 cigarettes and a good hour long cry, but I just feel uncomfortable.

I saw a picture online today that used 256 color mode. I almost cried when I saw it. It wasn't of anything in particular; it was just a crappy old picture.

I also found a song called Omna Magni. It makes me want to cry too. I feel like I've heard it somewhere before.

I don't know why I'm so stuck on the past right now. I'm usually not this bad. All I can think about is being in elementary school, being a god damn moron and completely bat shit insane, obsessing over concepts that were clearly illogical, all while trying to find ways to cover up everything I was doing. I knew I was strange. Nothing was my everything. I was obsessed. And I was happy. I wanted so much more and I believed that I could have it.

Now, I want so much more, but I know that I'm setting unrealistic goals for myself. Literally. The things I want are physically unattainable.

I feel like everything has changed for the worse. This is not how I imagined the future. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.

Someone was supposed to come take me away. I'll go with anyone. I'll go anywhere. I'll do anything. Anything but this.

How low my expectations have become... It's depressing.

I want that fucking music box. Why did Grandma give it to Courtney?

I wish I knew my family better.

sexythang500 @ 2009-09-01T02:44:00

2009-09-01T06:58:03Z

I might be too critical of myself.

I feel like I'm going to throw up and I feel so embarrassed.

In Chemistry, we had a small quiz on lab procedures. The professor mumbles and I couldn't hear what he said about the chemical labels. I already made a mistake and I kind of feel like never going back to the class ever again. Such a stupid mistake.

Fucking idiot. Speak up when you miss something.

Biology seems to be going well so far.

Despite having been awake for 22 hours and now knowing that school will consume 14 hours of my Mondays until the end of the year, I feel incredible. I love it when I'm manic.

EXTREME ANXIETY AND UNREALISTIC IDEOLOGIES, HERE I COME!

I have to be up in a few hours and I don't want to go to sleep. I've finished my Bio and I guess I'll start on Chem now.

I'm feeling even more restless than usual. Feels good, man.

sexythang500 @ 2009-08-28T05:33:00

2009-08-28T09:38:50Z

I had another one of my blackout days.

I'm seriously considering the possibility of multiple personality disorder, although nobody seems to notice anything different about me whenever I black out.

I'm missing 90% of today/yesterday/Thursday. I remember waking up and going to Chuck and Ryan's house... Then, we had dinner... Then, nothing. I recall a brief period of being in a car with some people I didn't know, followed by more nothing. I've been aware of myself for the last hour and a half. I came back in while playing video games at 4am.

What the fuck is wrong with me... I feel like apologizing to everyone I've ever met for whatever it was that I did today and just crying until I fall asleep.

This can't go on.

sexythang500 @ 2009-08-22T15:09:00

2009-08-22T19:11:26Z

I was charmed. Not blown away, but simply charmed.

I'd give it another go.

I feel good about myself. If only I could feel better.

sexythang500 @ 2009-08-09T23:50:00

2009-08-10T04:30:02Z

I have encountered a fork in the road.

I have also decided that it's easier to write about it than actually take the first step forward.

So far, my life has been a compilation of upsetting and absurd experiences.

It's something that's been plaguing my mind for quite some time now. Quite some time, as in almost a decade. I'm tired of living in the dark; living in panic; living in fear. I can't take anymore of this and recent events have lead me to seriously consider moving forward, despite the potential of losing everything near and dear to me.

I need advice, but I can't be serious about anything. I'm too terrified.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

This is going to be a long night.

I want to hit something; I want to scream; I want to go somewhere far, far away.

I want to run away... to run away... run away... sounds so nice. I wouldn't have to deal with life or anything. I could live freely and not think.

I know that I'm not alone in this and that others out there have been in similar situations. However, the biggest problem is that our early life experiences taught us how to hide ourselves from everybody else and blend into a society of sheep. I will never find another person like myself, nor will they ever find me.

According to my dad, people like myself are lost souls. He says this with a tone of disdain instead of pity.

It's hard to deal with him sometimes. I feel so angry all the time. I feel so rejected all the time. It's no wonder I'm such a piece of shit.

I usually feel better after writing nonsensical bullshit like this, but I'm still frustrated and I still feel like crying. Maybe it's because this is a serious problem, unlike most of my other ones.

Maybe I didn't express myself properly.

Miho Hatori is a genius. I haven't felt this way since I discovered Blonde Redhead.

Someone should probably call 911. Hopefully I'll be dead before the sun comes up.

sexythang500 @ 2009-08-07T04:12:00

2009-08-07T08:12:57Z

Maybe I'll go to Seattle instead. UW is supposed to be one of the best medical schools in the country.

I'm hopeless.

sexythang500 @ 2009-08-05T23:12:00

2009-08-06T03:15:58Z

I've decided I'm going to move to California if everything works out the way it should (it never does). I thought about Texas for a while, but it seemed too conservative for me, even taking the "progressive" cities into account like Austin.

Funny how half the medical schools I'm looking at are in California entirely by coincidence (I'm being serious). They're all good schools and they're cheap as hell. I am impressed.

I'm not really sure what I hope to find there, but I hope I find it soon.

sexythang500 @ 2009-07-27T22:16:00

2009-07-28T02:18:21Z

Well, opportunity is knocking.

I'm hiding in the basement with all the lights off pretending to be out so that maybe it goes away.

I think it's working.

If I keep it up, I just might be able to fuck myself over like I do every other time I'm handed something really good.

sexythang500 @ 2009-06-28T02:42:00

2009-06-28T06:43:51Z

I've come to the realization that I will never find true happiness. I will always be alone and nobody will ever appreciate me. I should just end it all.

Unfortunately, my suicidal episodes never last long enough for me to get my shit together and actually go through with it.

Guess I'm stuck here for a little while longer.

sexythang500 @ 2009-04-18T12:51:00

2009-04-18T16:51:42Z

I hate myself so incredibly much. Why do I waste opportunities?

I want to die like I've never wanted before.

sexythang500 @ 2008-11-10T16:05:00

2009-03-26T20:08:45Z

It's 5:05am.

I don't remember anything past 6pm.

It's absolutely horrifying.

I can't remember a god damn thing.

I feel terribly ashamed for some reason, though.

Maybe I should finish my homework that somehow got part of itself done.

sexythang500 @ 2009-03-01T10:44:00

2009-03-01T15:44:57Z

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Brainfuck sucks

sexythang500 @ 2009-02-28T14:48:00

2009-02-28T19:52:16Z

I was going through Ricardo's iTunes library yesterday.

I found Fantastic Plastic Machine.

I downloaded it for myself.

I have been listening to it all day.

I cannot understand why, but it has been invoking the strangest emotions in me. Almost nostalgic.

I want to cry, but I feel the happiest I've been in years at the same time. It is confusing me and making me feel a bit uncomfortable. I really don't know how else to describe it.

Although it's a bit depressing, the good feeling outweighs the poor by a great deal and I don't ever want it to end. I've realized that I am so god damn depressed and I just want to go back to a time when I didn't feel this way.

Why am I such a miserable excuse for a human being?

Dunno

2008-11-12T18:41:10Z

I saw this quote today and it really spoke to me. I don't know why.

"Conservatives are either greedy businessmen, xenophobic nationalists or ignorant Christfags. It's a grim coalition, to be sure."

Thanks, /r9k/.

...

2008-10-05T08:23:40Z

I'm not happy.

I'm feeling frustrated and a little angry.

I don't want to sleep; I don't want to wake up tomorrow; I don't want to see the sun rise.

I just kind of want to die.

God I'm Such a Depressing Pile of Shit

2008-08-11T06:08:53Z

What am I doing with my life?

I honestly feel like I've been making enormous mistakes left and right lately. I don't know what I've done wrong or how I can fix it, but I need to do something before my life gets any worse.

I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow for mental health. I don't think my dad will mind, but my mom... Well, that's another story. I don't even know why she cares so much about my work schedule.

I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to go back to school either. I can already tell I'm just going to end up hating everybody and feeling miserable about myself again. I don't want to take my medications for reasons that I won't get into since I could go on for hours about that, but I'm not quite sure about what else I could be doing to help myself.

"I can't help you if you can't help yourself first."

Well, that's a bit of a problem.

I decided today that I wanted to drop out of school and move to Antarctica.

A few hours later, I realized that this was probably one of the worst genuine ideas I've ever had.

I just feel like I'm missing out on something. It's sort of like everybody around me knows what's going on and they have their entire lives planned out already. I think the whole reason I'm going to Japan is so that I can try to fill this void, although the more I think about it, the more of a waste it seems. I already know that I'm not going to get anything out of it. It'll just be a semester of living my shitty life a little bit differently than usual.

I just feel like sitting in my car and crying, although I'm not sure how much that will get accomplished.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. I never wanted to work in IT, I haven't even changed majors yet, but I'm already having second thoughts about becoming a doctor, and I'm wondering if I should just drop out of college altogether.

Being successful would be nice, but if it means that I have to be absolutely miserable for the next 40 years of my life, I think I'll pass.

I think I'd rather wander around the world living off the land and doing odd jobs for a little money.

God I hate night time. It's so fucking lonely.

I regret my entire life up to this point

2008-04-01T02:15:28Z

The fucking school counselors keep pushing me back and I'm going fucking insane here, so my mind's going to take a shit on LJ for a little while.

Feel free to ignore everything.

I have so much difficulty understanding other people sometimes. It's strange, especially since people watching is one of my retarded, quirky hobbies. It's beyond me how people can get so egotistical and/or not realize that they're complete pieces of shit. People are constantly doing things that make me wonder, "In what culture, under any circumstance, is that considered an even remotely good idea?" I'm sick and tired of dealing with complete idiots, pretentious assholes who have these absolutely moronic ideas in their heads. "*** doesn't mind being a cold hearted bitch. It comes with the gloves, glasses, and ascot."

Honestly, what the fuck is this shit? It's not witty or funny. It's downright stupid. There is absolutely no reason to be proud of being a total cunt.

On another note, watching movies of Shakespearian plays does not make you more cultured nor does it make you any more of an intellectual. The majority of them are uninteresting, overrated pieces of shit that happen to have a plot line.
Once you've seen one, you've seen then all.
Man loves woman. Man is tricked. Woman dies. Man dies. END.
Shakespeare was not a creative genius, he was a douche bag. And a huge one at that.

Now for something completely different.
My list of complaints that were never resolved:
-Smells. The room still stinks like fucking shit. I can't even come within 10' of you. Do you bathe? I don't recall ever seeing you brush your teeth. Please start, not just for me, but for the sake of everybody that has to come into contact with you.
-Mouth breathing. Close your fucking mouth. It's unsanitary on multiple levels, looks fucking stupid, and breathing through the nose is not that difficult. Get into the habit.
-Touching. Don't. It's not funny, it's fucking annoying. I'm about ready to start hitting people over this. I have enough going on in my head; I don't need to be constantly worrying about whether or not somebody's going to walk up and violate me. Being tickled is, next to having shards of glass rip my arms apart and CTS, the most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.
-Narration. Every single moment of my life doesn't need to be watched and narrated. Thanks, though. Fucking douche.
-Staring. I know I'm weird and I do weird things; it's only natural to be interested in seeing what stupid thing I'm going to do next. But when you're constantly watching me, it gets a little creepy. Please stop.
-Eating noises. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE? COME ON. DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTHS OPEN, DON'T SIFT DRINKS THROUGH YOUR TEETH, DON'T TAKE IN MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW/SWALLOW, AND IN REGARDS TO PLASTIC KOOL-AID BOTTLES, DON'T PUT UNNECESSARY PRESSURE ON IT. IT'S NOT FUCKING HARD.

Believe it or not, in America, these are considered good manners. We are not Japanese, we are not Middle Eastern, we are American. Our culture comes from Western Europe. We use forks and knives to eat, not chopsticks or our fingers, regardless of whatever "cultural experience" you believe you're deriving from it.

I realize, after seriously reevaluating myself for the 3rd time, that I've made a huge mistake in almost all of my decisions after coming to Marist. I don't want to be friends with any of the people I know at this point after this semester, although I'm well aware that's not going to happen.

I'm also getting really sick of constantly lying to protect myself, even to my family. There are only 2 people in the world who know my truths and horrible secrets. Even then, it's a little shaky. In b4 fag.

I need to start over again. It won't be easy, but hopefully I'll get it right this time, although I sure that I'll be doing it at least one more time in the next 5 years.

I need a fucking cigarette.

Before that, stop eating, you fat fucks.

sexythang500 @ 2008-03-03T06:09:00

2008-03-03T11:13:42Z

I haven't laughed that hard in years. I hope this is something that lasts, although somehow I doubt that.

Meeting people is great. I really should do it more often.

sexythang500 @ 2007-12-08T03:25:00

2007-12-08T08:26:31Z

I hate myself so fucking much. I wish I would just disappear. I want to die. I have no friends. Everybody here hates me and I'm not too fond of them either. I've also lost everybody at home. I only have a few friends at this point, all of which are using me for the things that I own, not me, myself. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I'm a waste of space. I wish that I could just get into my car, start driving, and go right off the Mid-Hudson Bridge.
The worst part is that nobody will see this and that I'll just be forgotten over time. I'm like a cog in a machine. Once it breaks, it will be thrown out and replaced, only to be forgotten. The only ones that are noticed are the ones running the machine. I have no opportunities to get out of here, either.
What a worthless life. I hate myself so much. I'm such a disgusting individual. Not only me, though. Everybody. I've decided that everybody is disgusting. There are only a very select few that deserve to continue living and I am not one of them.
Why do I do the things that I do? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be like everybody else? I'm fucked because of most of my predispositions. I will never love, be loved, nor find my place in the world. I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm horrified of people. I have nothing going for me. I'm not special in any way. The only things that make me unique are the only things that make me a horrible person.
I don't have anybody to talk to. I mean, there are a few, but those that I feel comfortable around don't want to listen to me whine about my life and those that are willing to listen, I either don't feel like they care, or they're going to judge me based on every single thing that I say.

I guess I'm just having a bad week. I had a $100 piece of electronic equipment stolen from me (Thanks, USPS) as well as fucking up my $250 + $50 Wii (Thanks, Team Cyclops). FUCK ME
God... Why doesn't anything in my life go right? I know that I'm better off than many people out there, and I realize that I take many things for granted, but what the fuck. Why couldn't I have been born into a better world? One that's more understanding and compassionate. There are so few people out there that actually deserve my respect. They're the only other ones who realize what a horrible place we've been born into. Why is it that, everywhere I look, people always seem so content with what they have? Why doesn't anybody else realize that they could have so much more? Why aren't they doing anything to try to make life better for, not only themselves, but everybody around them? Is it that they are happy with their lives the way that they are right now? I have difficulty understanding how anybody could be happy in this day and age. Everything's fucked. Nothing's right.

Fuck my life. How can everybody be so stupid?

sexythang500 @ 2006-10-24T20:19:00

2006-10-24T20:20:25Z

stop reading this. im not stupid.

when im feeling depressed, i dont want to be poked and prodded with questions, while you try to figure out whats wrong with me.

stop. its fucking annoying as hell.

i dont want to talk about it, i want to be left alone.

sexythang500 @ 2006-10-24T04:18:00

2006-10-24T04:18:57Z

i feel weird tonight. its sort of an anxious/hyper/depressed feeling. its an odd combonation.

im just sitting around wondering... do i see myself here in 10 years? only time will tell.

one thing is certain; this is definitely not my home.

at least i just got to use a semi-colon.

maybe i could just go crazy and kill a bunch of people. then i could blame it on the music i keep hearing. id be put away, but itd be nice to belong somewhere. i wouldnt have to worry about what would happen next. i wouldnt have to think.

thoughtless... what a nice concept.

why? why not.